Depression Kungfu

The following are excerpts from the book I’m currently writing, Small Scale, Daily Healing: Easy Visualizations & Practical Tools for Daily Strengthening of Your Body & Being & to Overcome Work & Life Challenges.

I sat on the edge of my bed, looking out the window at the harbour and the mainland mountains in the distance but without seeing them, without appreciating their beauty. There is no beauty here. There is only a void. Emptiness. But not a complete void. Emptiness of the being, yes, but also a presence. A dark presence infiltrating and crushing my heart with its tendrils of burden, of failure. Heaviness of the being. Empty yet heavy. A dark, weighty presence with dark, loaded words. Words that bash you in the gut over and over again. You’re a failure. Bash. You can’t do anything right. Bash. You failed your children. Bash. Bash. NOOOO, STOP. IT HURTS. Tears. You failed your husband. Bash. STOP. STOP IT. Sobs. They don’t need you. Bash. NOOOO. Sobs. IT HURTS. You can’t even get a job. Nobody needs you. Bash. Bash. You may as well rid the world of yourself. YES. They would be better without you. I KNOW. They would be better without you. I KNOW. THEY WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT ME. The abuser’s words become my words. Depression, the abuser.

(…)

I sit on the edge of my bed, looking out the window at the harbour and the mainland mountains in the distance. I had retreated to my bedroom because I had sensed the empty yet heavy presence of my abuser, Depression, arriving. I allow the emptiness, the void to settle in. I allow the dark presence to infiltrate my heart with its tendrils of burden. I allow the weighty presence to speak its dark, loaded words. Words that bash me in the gut over and over again. You’re a failure. Bash. You can’t do anything right. Bash. You failed your children. Bash. Bash. NO. STOP. Tears. You failed your husband. Bash. NO. STOP. Tears. I focus on my Line of Calm, then on my Full Calm technique as I listen to my abuser and respond. They don’t need you. Bash. YES, THEY DO. I’M NOT LISTENING TO YOU. Nobody needs you. Bash. You may as well rid the world of yourself. Bash. NO. YOU’RE WRONG. They would be better without you. NO. I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE. The abuser’s words are silenced, for a moment, by my words. As I talk to Depression, the abuser, I work on opening my heart. It’s hard, really hard when all I want to do is fold in on myself, cover it, protect it. All I want to do is cry and hide, protect myself. But I force myself to keep opening my heart, to keep fighting back. You’re a failure. No one needs you. I AM LOVED. MY FAMILY LOVES ME. I MAY NOT BE PERFECT BUT THEY LOVE ME. Failure. I CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS. I’M GOOD AT WHAT I DO. I’VE GOT A LOT TO GIVE. As I speak, my heart opens more and more until, finally, I sense that my heart is fully open, truly open, and I know that I have walked away from my abuser.

I walked away from Depression, my abuser, about six months ago and it hasn’t come back. Once in a while, a voice speaks up and tests me: You’re not a good mother. Even if the words sting and the tears come, I know what to do. YES, I AM A GOOD MOTHER. I MAY NOT BE PERFECT, BUT I AM A GOOD MOTHER. After a few minutes, the voice is silenced and runs away. There is no doubt in my mind that one day that voice will give up and no longer test me.

Never let anyone tell you that you can’t heal or that you can’t change who you are.